Try To be Better at Understanding a Person with a Disability

  It's hard enough for the individual with a disability already. So, for them to try to explain things to you ; and you to brush them off and act as though you don't care is heartbreaking.

  Please don't tell them what someone else is going through. Nor what it is they are doing. I'm sure they wish they could be in that person's position. Or something close to it.

 I'm typing this because I've tried different groups online years ago. and I didn't like how it was going. And per my therapist, I tried again. Upon doing so I realized that just like we could go in and get support, our friends and family members can too, and in some cases should.

  To get a better understanding of what it is our diagnosis entails. And I don't mean just for multiple sclerosis. There are different types of groups out there for everything.

 You just have to research and find the right ones. And I urge you guys to do so to get a better understanding of what it is your friends and family members are going through.

Re-edited/Reminders

I hate being reminded of things. Recently I've lost primary custody of my youngest son, due to the issue I have going on, like me being hospitalized, losing my job, and awaiting a response from social security.

I'm really hurt about his father being greedy for money and taking me back to court. Especially being that he's made it seem as though our child was in danger, when he went to school every day, doctors appointments were scheduled an attended, he had new/clean clothes on every day. Yes, that was without me having an income or a car.

I can admit us living house to house was not ideal. But he was in no way shape or form in any type of harm. I love all of my children with everything in me. And most times I would go without to make sure they had. He knew that.

Although it did nott matter to him because his only concern was to get assistance from the state of Connecticut. What kind of man actually makes it his business to try and defraud the state when he actually works? And makes really good money doing so. Yes, this has been reported several times to several different departments. The response was they couldn't do anything because he had his own business and couldn't really track his income (interesting, right?

With all of this going on I chose to sit back and ponder my thoughts, rather than open up and speak about them. Being that its easier for me to deal with them that way. Yes, it bothers me that I only see him every other weekend. And that when I do have him, we have to walk on pins and needles (don't want to get into that part), just to not ruffle any feathers.

It's just so much easier for me to handle it that way. When it's brought up, I'm brought to tears. I've cried more than enough tears and would rather avoid them. I hope everyone could understand that!

I'm not trying to be harsh or trying to stop you from feeling a certain way about how I should feel. But me crying and lashing out isn't going to get me far at all. It all stalls the process I have to take a bit more. Stops me from taking the time to send emails to get help, applying for programs that'll help us, or even writing to attempt to try and make some type of living.

Trying to find a job with no experience and really messed up heath issue just isn't working for me. The reminders of things I could be doing would be doing, and right now just can't do is hurting my situation more. It's not you it really is me. I forgive you for bringing it up. I just hope you can do the same for me. Even if you don't understand or care. Just please take a moment and try to keep that in mind.

I just rather not be reminded.

Please take a moment to share this if you've read it. And maybe even comment and follow if you like. I'm trying to get better at this. Thanks, have a good day!

Re-edit /Surviving Multiple Sclerosis with Mzlittlejohn

How can people expect for you to open up to them about your feelings? When you speak to most people about them, they just start telling you about theirs, or what you should be doing. Most times it’s after you’ve exhausted almost all of your options. What I've been doing lately is writing about them.

If people take the time out to read my writings, they’d understand them better. With the things I have been going through ;although I feel it’s embarrassing, and people are looking at me differently ;this just works better.

I am at the point in my life where I can care less about how people feel. It's initially not for them, it's for me. And it actually helps me get it out. No interruptions, or hearing other peoples thoughts, or what they would do. 

I have to deal with the people telling me no. I have to deal with being sent to different programs. I have to deal with my children no longer having stability ;as well as not having an income, staying with other people, and not knowing if tomorrow will be the day that I’m told I have to leave.

Or having a conversation and seeing something that triggers my tears. Yes, I have those days. Days that I’d just rather be alone with my thoughts. Of Course there is some when I don’t need to be alone.

A lot of times that is my only option. Because right now I am not at liberty to have that option.

One day I’ll get back to not having to result to this. And maybe have conversations with someone who understands.

As of right now, it cannot be done. Especially if when have moments where I have to bite my tongue. Or end up with the conversation being about them or someone else and not me.

As of right now, the conversation's about my feelings. Lets just stick to it being written, typed, and maybe in one of my latest YouTube videos. Heck at the moment, it’s here. And will probably end up back here again.

Because trying to obtain followers on my YouTube page at the moment isn’t getting far. I’m not funny, refuse to do crazy stuff, and just have not quite found my niche with that.

At the moment, there aren't that many videos on there. Currently I’m at a stand still when it comes to what I’d like to talk about. The video I posted before the last was on trying to obtain voice over work. Can you believe they want you to pay upfront to find work? I mean if I had money, I wouldn't t be trying to pay them for work.

I wonder if I pay them, does it guarantee me jobs? Or leads or whatever they consider it? I’m afraid it’ll be a waste of time anyway.

I am not in no way saying that I am no longer interested. In fact I’m still trying to get around having to pay. I’m broke, can you blame me?

If you've gotten this far thank you. I’d say thanks for reading  this far. You're reading this piece written be me. And it is much appreciated. Since this seems to be the best way for me to get my feelings out; there will be more eventually. How often? That is what I’m not to sure about.

Check out my my YouTube page as. The links should be available here( on the left of the web version of this site. 

Please don't hesitate to comment. And follow this blog (again on the left of the web version of this page).

Getting Closer to the Were I Need to Be

Hello Hello Hello!

  

    It’s been a little while since I’ve typed up a blog. 

When this Covid19 came about, I started having real bad anxiety, which cut into my creativity. Which I know I shouldn’t have allowed; but it happen, and I’m working through it.

   

 I’ve been thinking long and hard about what it was I wanted to come back with.  And thanks to a very good friend of mind I figured it out. 

  And I’d like to first say thank you to him. Yes, him and no he’s not a boyfriend and has never been one. Let me start by clarifying that first. We grew up together and he’s actually one of the few people I can really consider a friend/ family!

 Anyway I’ve applied for disability in October of 2018. I got denied. Then had a reconsideration and got denied for that. And I was finally able to get a hearing. 

 

 Mind you up until a few months ago I had no income. And I’m living off of $219 + food stamps(don’t ask how I’ve been doing it I’m still not sure). If it wasn’t for my family and a few friends(Thank you guys again!)I don’t know how I’d be getting by. I truly thank the man above for them!

 I believe the hearing went well. Although there were moments that I was a little skeptical. I’m hopeful that it’ll turn out for the best. 

 Now I have 30 days to get them paperwork from my therapist. And I pray the final decision won’t take that long after.

  Yes, I see a therapist. I’ve been seeing her for a few months now and she’s the bomb!  I’m not sure I’d have been able to get past these anxiety attacks without her.

  With that being said keep me in your prayers. As I am doing the same for you all!  Hopefully I’ll be back sooner with more content. And thanks again my friend for the push. I appreciate it!

Insomnia along with a little fear

  Like most nights it was hard for me to fall asleeep. When I finally stopped reading on my kindle app(yes, I love to read. My writing/blogging just became a need to get things off my chest);put my phone down,and tried to get comfortable, I felt like my body was becoming immobile.

 I literally couldn’t move any of my limbs for almost a minute. Which has me terrified.

  So now instead of sleeping I’m still up writing this. That is why this is titled the way it is. Now I’d actually like to go to sleep. I’m afraid that if do go to sleep I’ll wake up and not be able to move. It sucks because I actually have an appointment in the morning. 

  I’ve read countless articles about things that could possibly happen to me. With me having the multiple sclerosis.Yet,to actually start experiencing these things is unnerving.

 In 2012 when I was diagnosed I had no idea what I was in for. The minor flare ups(relapses) I’ve had was like a walk in the park compared to this. 

One day I’m fine,the next I’m having spasms or shakes. Or weakness, tingling, and let’s not forget numbness.

 Why me? Why did this have to come disrupt my life? Have people looking at me as though I’m not doing enough? When in reality I cannot do too much. Can’t sit too long, can’t stand too long, and apparently can’t sleep too long. 

  I just want things to go back to how they were .And to go back to work. Not have to depend on people. Trust me if it bothers you could you imagine how I feel? Even though I’m grateful for all of the help.

  Just know I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Including my worse enemy!

   I need to get into a better living situation before things get to that point. So if you have a moment of time, a little compassion,or are just a prayer warrior;Take a moment and pray for me. As well as my babies!

Thing haven’t gotten much better

 Things still haven’t gotten much better. I was able to put in some housing applications.And check up on others.

  Got a part time job offer. That I thought I’d have been able to do. No longer having a car and the hours required for training nipped that in the bud. I’m sad but I guess that position wasn’t for me.

  Yes,I’m still not 100% but the disability claim is  

taking forever.And we need the money. I hope I can find a part time;and they understands I could possibly have a flareup (relapse).

 Yet,I’m hopeful. I got a bit of good news this weekend. And with the help we’ve gotten was able to cover the past months bills. I hope this month will work its way out a little better.We kind of cut it close. 

  My dad came through again.Right on time. And my kids continued to rock it out. Through the trails and tribulations we were blessed.

  We’re currently still in the same positions. Things are slowly moving in a better position.Continue to keep us in your prayers. And maybe help out with our GoFundMe(https://www.gofundme.com/f/1p8w4rxvhc&rcid=r01-156450513723-ee5b0779b317458d&pc=ot_co_campmgmt_w)if you can.To those of you that have already you’re appreciated !